The Author Steps In
by Unique.Nom.De.Plume
Summary: CHASTINE! BURNIN DOWN THE FOURTH WALL! A series of small stand alone episodes that share the same circumstances, so they're posted as different chapters in one story. Rated for later chapters. FLAME ME! I DARE YA! YOU KNOW YOU WANNA!
1. I've Come to Invade You're Life!

Ok, so here's my annihilation of the fourth wall and everything respectable about writing. I am stepping into my story to take charge and do things my way. This is probably a terrible idea, but OH WELL! I'M DOIN IT ANYWAY WEEEE!! There's references to the anime Death Note and kid's show Blue's Clues, but you don't really need to see them to understand the story, it just adds a bit more humor. It's written in script form because I said so. Anything that is **bold** is describing action or expression or something like that. Anything in _italics_ is a character's thoughts. You have to read this expecting to possibly laugh until milk you weren't drinking comes out of your nose or to really hate it and want to murder me, or maybe a little of both. Anyway, enjoy and feel free to flame me! I love it when I dissatisfy strangers.

Episode 1

John Constantine: We've got an exorcism in 10 Chas, you better get this thing running by then!

Chas Kramer: **fiddling under the hood of the cab **I know John! If you'd give me a hand here maybe this could go a little faster!

John: Do I look like a mechanic?

Chas: Very funny John.

Random Girl: **suddenly sitting on top of cab** I believe I could be of some service.

Chas: **startled** AH! Where the fuck did you come from!?

Random Girl: **pulls out black notebook and writes something inside with a fuzzy pink pen.** Try starting up the cab.

Chas: Ok... ** reaches in cab window and turns the key. **

Cab: Vroom vroom! ** sounds cool **

John: What the hell?

Chas: How did you do that!?

Random Girl: Because I'm the author and I can do anything. ** smiles superiorly **

Chas: Author? Oh god, don't tell me...

John: We're in a fanfiction aren't we?

Author: You bet! And I've got the power! ** Shakes notebook teasingly**

Chas: Let me see that! ** grabs for notebook**

Author: ** Pulls notebook away** Get your own!

John: ** Grabs notebook and studies front cover. ** Fanfiction Note? ** Opens note ** The character who's name is written in this note shall be fully controlled by the author. The note will not take effect unless the author is a completely devoted fan of said characters. If pairing is not specified the canon pairing will continue until the author states otherwise. After writing the pairing the uke and seme (dominant and submissive) must be decided and written within the next 6 minutes and 40 seconds. What the hell is this shit?

Author: The rules of the Fanfiction Note. And you two are the lucky pairing!

Chas: EWWWWW! John's like, twice my age!!

Author: I know, but you two manage to overlook it because you cannot deny the feeling in your heart. ** dreamily gazes ** Now give me back my note.

John: Hell no! I'm burning this thing!

Author: Suit yourself. ** pulls out second notebook **

Chas: Where'd you get that from?

Author: I always carry a backup for such a situation. ** Writes something in note **

John: I'm sorry. Here, have you're note back, and here's five dollars. ** Hands author note and 5 dollars  
**

Chas: What the fuck John!?

John: Why did I just do that?

Author: Because I told you to. Right here ** points to page ** "John Constantine says 'I'm sorry. Here, have you're note back, and here's 5 dollars." and hands me the note and 5 dollars.

John: Give my my money back asshole!

Author: No way! This is going toward my 'buy me an Easy Bake Oven' fund. ** Pockets money and note. ** And just to make you feel good... ** writes ** "John is happy to have given me money for her fund."

Chas: Oh yeah right, like that will work. Right John?

John: Of course it di- it didnnnnn-

Chas: John?

John: It didnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn- I'M GLAD I COULD ADD TO YOUR FUND!

Chas: ** weirded out **

John: Asshole.

Author: Hee hee, yup! The name's Marissa by the way. It's very nice to meet you gentlemen. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to write you're pairing. ** Opens Note **

Chas: Hell no!

Chas and John: ** Lunge for note stop in mid air **

John: What the fuck?

Marissa the Author: ** writes ** "Chas and John freeze before being able to grab note."

Chas: YOU BITCH!!

Marissa: You're not gonna think that for long. ** writes **

John Constantine/Chas Kramer

Uke Chas

Seme John

HA! The deed is done.

Chas and John: ** still frozen **

Marissa: Oh, right. ** writes ** "Chas and John unfreeze."

John: ** Lands gracefully **

Chas: ** falls on sidewalk** Owww, fuck...

John: ** smirks and blushes slightl****y **

Chas: John? Are you, BLUSHING?

John: NO! Why the hell would I do that?!

Marissa: Because Chas looked cute when he fell down didn't he?

John: Fuck no!

Marissa: Yes he did, and you know it. I control everything you say, think and do now.

Chas: That's not true! I don't love John and he doesn't love me and that's the way it is! Right John?

John: Damn right.

Marissa: Suit yourself. Well, now that that's out of the way what say we grab something to eat? There's an IHOP around the corner!

Chas: What makes you think we'd want to hang out with you? You busted into our lives and tried to turn us gay!

Marissa: Because I could make you have sex with each other loudly in the middle of the street if you don't.

Chas: ** enthusiastic ** Who wants pancakes?

* * *

Chas: Why do you even want us paired up anyway? Hundreds of fanfictions are written about us all the time and I don't understand it.

Marissa: ** with a mouth full of french toast ** You two are hot, plain and simple. John's the brooding older man with a troubled past and you're the chipper and loyal young apprentice who is the only one that can bring happiness to John's life in a taboo love affair that so few can understand.

John: So few? There are girls all over the Internet reading this and screaming their heads off right now.

Chas: This is bullshit! ** flips through note ** Why did you make me the submissive one?

Marissa: ** raises and eyebrow ** Seriously? Look at John and look at you. Who's clearly the leader here.

John: ** Smirks ** She's got a point kid.

Marissa: Think about it. Doesn't begging John for mercy in bed sound great?

Chas: _Oh God yes... _No! Hell no! I'm telling you, that note DID NOT work.

Marissa: Yeah, ok. ** sarcasm **

Chas: ** Eats pancakes **

John: _God, look at how his lips wrap around the fork like that. They would feel so good wrapped around my- WAIT!! The kid's fucking 17 John. Fucking 17! Fucking 17. Fucking... Chas. DAMNIT!!_

Chas: _Is he staring at me? No, he can't be, the note didn't work. Is he? Yeah, he's totally staring at me. Should I say something. He looks so hot looking at me like that. Wait what? No! I mean. Uh... _Hey John, why are you staring at me man?

John: ** Taken off guard ** What? I wasn't staring at you. Eat your damn pancakes.

All 3: ** Walking up steps to John's apartment. **

Chas: ** walking behind John ** _Damn, look at John's ass. NO! Stop thinking that! Uh, uh, keep talking! _So Marissa, how did you get here anyway?

Marissa: Have you ever seen the show Blue's Clues?

Chas: Um, yeah. Why?

Marissa: You know that Blue skidoo thing they did so they could jump into paintings and things?

Chas: You're kidding me. You can do that?

Marissa: Yup. Right into the computer screen. ** sings ** Blue skidoo, we can too!

Chas: Do you actually have to sing the song too?

Marissa: Yeah, otherwise you just hit your head on the screen.

Chas: Christ, you're kidding me.

John: Makes about as much sense as anything else in this story.

All 3: ** Go in apartment **

Chas: Well, I suppose it's time you leave then Marissa.

Marissa: Oh no, I'm staying here.

John: Like hell you're staying here.

Marissa: I was thinking more along the lines of "like roommate I'm saying here."

Chas: John doesn't even let ME stay here, let alone you. Where would you sleep anyway.

Marissa: ** writes in note ** "John's apartment has new room with all of Marissa's things in it."

Chas: Holy fuck look!! It is a new room!! ** points at new room **

John: That still doesn't mean you can stay here.

Marissa: ** Writes ** "John is happy to have Marissa stay."

John: I'M HAPPY TO HAVE YOU STAY MARISSA! DAMNIT!!

Marissa: And for good measure ** writes ** "Chas moves in with John."

Boxes of Chas' stuff: ** Suddenly appears in room**

Chas: Do I get my own room too?

Marissa: Nope, you're rooming with John.

Chas: Oh come on! Can't we at least have separate beds or something?

Marissa: ** Writes ** "Chas and John suddenly start having hot butt sex."

John: ** Pins Cha****s to the floor and kisses him **

Chas: ** Moans and kisses him back **

Marissa: You'll thank me for this later.


	2. Johnny Saves the Day!

WOOOOO! EPISODE 2!! Who knew I had this much writing stamina? Well, I thought this chapter was mildly amusing, but the next few chapters hopefully will be really freakin hilarious. I've already got some crazy ass ideas. Well, here ya go!

* * *

EPISODE 2

Alarm Clock: BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Marissa: Whathefuk? **rolls over**

Alarm Clock: BEEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!

Marissa: WHAT THE FUCK!? **rolls out of bed, barges into John's room and throws a brick at the alarm clock**

Alarm Clock: Ow... dude, what the hell?

Marissa: WAKE UP! **throws brick at John**

John: **barely phased by brick** Wha? What time is it?

Marissa: WHAT TIME IS IT!? IT'S TIME FOR MARISSA TO BE SLEEPING! WHAT IN THE WORLD DO YOU HAVE A 5AM ALARM SET FOR?!

John: Chas, wake up, exorcism. **pushes Chas out of bed**

Chas: **thud** k... **stands up** God Dammit! My ass feels like someone rammed a baseball bat up it. **rubs ass**

John: **face down in the pillow** You're welcome.

Marissa: Who the fuck schedules an exorcism at 5AM? The demon would still be asleep at this hour.

John: **starts getting dressed** We'll be back in an hour or two. Don't fuck up my apartment.

Marissa: Oh no, I'm coming with you! What kind of fangirl would I be if I didn't get to see my favorite seme in action.

Chas: No no no no no, if I don't get to see him do an exorcism neither do you! **also getting dressed**

Marissa: I already told you, I can do whatever I want and I'm coming with you two. I can make it so you get to watch too though Chas.

Chas: Welcome aboard. **Salutes**

John: Damn, I'm gonna have to keep both of you from getting killed?

Marissa: Hmm... not exactly...

* * *

Marissa: WOOOOOOO! GO JOHN!! PUNCH IT!! RIGHT HOOK!! RIGHT HOOK!! **shoves popcorn in her mouth**

Chas: DO THE CHANT JOHN!! DO THE CHANT!! WOOOOOOO!! **throws popcorn in the air**

Marissa: See? Aren't I a genius? We can watch from inside our demon proof box and leave all the danger and dirty work to John!

Chas: Couldn't you have just written that the demon decided to leave the host or something so he didn't have to do the exorcism in the first place?

Marissa: Yeah. **eats more popcorn** WOOOOOOOOOOO THROW A BRICK AT EM!!

All 3: **walking to the cab**

John: YOU COULD HAVE WHAT?

Marissa: I could have written the exorcism away.

John: WHY DIDN'T YOU?!

Marissa: Because it was a good show and I didn't want to miss it. Duh.

Out of Nowhere: Mew!

Chas: What was that?

Out of Nowhere Again: Mew!

Marissa: Sounds like a cat, or something.

John: **feels something brush against his leg** AH! What the fuck!?

Kitten: Mew!

Chas: AWWWWWWW!! It's a kitten!!

Marissa: I wonder what it's doing out here.

Chas: It must be a stray! Don't worry little buddy, we'll take you home and feed you till you explode! **picks up cat**

John: No way Chas! You're not bringing that thing into my house!

Chas: OUR house John. PLEASE JOHN? PLEEEEEEAAAAAASE?

John: _Awww, he looks kinda cute holding the cat. NO! Dammit, no! _We can't take in a cat!

Chas: Why not?

John: _He looks so sad... _Well, because...

Chas: **puppy dog eyes**

John: **sigh** Fine, but I'm not taking care of it.

Marissa: Cool beanz! What are you going to name it?

Kitten: **is black with white paws, a white stomach and a white face**

Chas: Johnny! Cause he looks so much like you John.

John: How does it look like me?

Chas: Look at him, all black and white, like you!

John: Great...

* * *

Chas: What do we have around here for Johnny to eat?

John: Get this thing off me Chas!

Johnny: **all up in John's grill**

Chas: Awwww, he likes you! Hey Marissa, can you materialize some cat food for Johnny?

Marissa: Sure. **Writes** "Marissa Brand cat food materializes sci-fi transporter style on the table next to Chas."

Marissa Brand Cat Food: **materializes sci-fi transporter style on the table next to Chas**

Chas: Marissa Brand?

Marissa: Awesome huh?

Chas: **opens can and puts it on the floor **Come here Johnny! Come get the food!

Johnny: **hops off John's lap and eats the food**

Chas: He's so little. I wonder if I can teach him any tricks.

Marissa: Like what?

Chas: Like fetching. **grabs ampule of holy water and rolls it across the floor** Fetch!

Johnny: **cocks head**

Marissa: Maybe you should do a monkey see, monkey do sort of thing. **picks up holy water** Like this. **rolls it away** Fetch Chas!

Chas: I'm not a cat!

Marissa: **Picks up Fanfiction Note threateningly.**

Chas: Fine. **crawls over, picks up ampule in his mouth and brings it back**

Marissa: Good boy **pats Chas' head**

Chas: You ready to try boy?

Johnny: **licks paw**

Chas: Alright! Fetch! **rolls water away**

Johnny: **chases after ampule and starts pawing at it and sliding it across the floor.**

Montage of Chas and Marissa Trying to Train the Cat: **happens**

Johnny: **finally brings back the ampule of holy water**

Chas: THANK GOD! **pets the cat victoriously** I have taught a cat to fetch!!

Marissa: You should give him a treat or something.

Chas: Um... you wanna materialize some cat treats for me?

Marissa: **sigh** Sure. **materializes Marissa Brand cat treats** I should start a pet food business.

John: Great, you've spent 4 hours teaching a cat to fetch. Congratulations on wasting your time.

Chas: Oh, you think it's cute. I know you do!

Phone: **rings**

John: **answers phone** Hello. Yes, this is. What's your address? I'll be there in a bit. **hangs up**

Chas: An exorcism?

John: Yeah, come on.

Chas: **grabs the cat and heads out the door**

John: Wait! You can't bring the cat!

Marissa: **in a teasing singsong fashion** Yes we can.

John: **sigh**

* * *

John: **is exorcising**

Marissa, Chas and Johnny: **are in demon proof spectator's booth**

Marissa: WOOOOOOOOOOO!! **throws popcorn** KICK HIM IN THE FACE!!

Chas: Where'd Johnny go?

Marissa: What?

Chas: He's not in the booth!! How'd he get out!?

Marissa: I put in a kitty door in case he had to make a poo.

Chas: DAMN!! WHERE IS HE?! **looks out of booth**

John: **Gets pinned down by posessed guy, his last ampule of holy water rolling out of his reach. **DAMMIT!!

Johnny: **walks up to holy water, clearly unafraid of possessed guy**

Chas: JOHNNY!! COME BACK HERE!!

Johnny: **picks up holy water and drops it in John's hand.**

John: **smashes ampule on possessed guy's head**

Possessed Guy: AAAAAHHHHHHHHUNINTELIGABLEJARGANOFPAIN!! **becomes unpossessed**

Unpossessed Guy: Wow, thanks!

John: That'll be 400 dollars.

* * *

Everyone: **walking back to cab**

Chas: See, teaching him to fetch wasn't a waste of time.

Johnny: **was a good plot device**

Marissa: **holding Johnny** I think you have someone to thank John. **hands John the cat**

John: **awkwardly holds the cat** Uh... I don't think so.

Johnny: **licks John's face**

John: Ewwww! **discusted face**

Chas: **Giggles **_Awww, he looks so cute holding the cat! Er, wait. No! THE CAT looks cute. Not John... yeah..._

John: Someone else hold the cat!

Marissa: I will if you give me 10 dollars .

John: No! Get your own god damned money!

Marissa: **writes in note **"John gives Marissa 10 dollars."

John: **gives Marissa 10 dollars **Damn...

Chas: It's ok, I'll take the cat. **takes cat**

Marissa: I say we all go get some french toast!

Chas: LET'S DO IT!!


	3. Special Brownies

EPISODE 3

I PROMISE THAT THIS EPISODE IS FUNNIER THAN EPISODE 2!! The last episode wasn't as great as I wanted it to be, but I wanted a pet introduced and blah blah whatever. This one is MUCH FUNNIER I PROMISE!

* * *

Everyone: **is sleeping**

John: **something is touching his ass** Chasmmmsleepin... **rolls over**

Johnny: MRRRRROWWWWWWWW!! **very loudly**

John: AH! WHAT THE FUCK!!

Chas: AH!! WHAT!?

John: GET OFF OF ME YOU GOD DAMNED CAT!! **picks up cat as if to throw him **

Chas: JOHN NO!! Get a hold of yourself. He just wanted to sleep with you. **takes cat**

John: You're lucky I let YOU sleep with me, let alone that thing!

Marissa: **storms in and throws a brick at John and exits **

John: **is unphased by the brick to the head** Bitch. **falls back asleep**

* * *

Everyone: **is walking home after an exorcim **

Chas: Seriously John, you need to relax. You freak out way too easily.

John: You would be freaked out too if you woke up with a cat on your ass!

Chas: **Sees something shiny** Oooooooh! **picks it up**

Marissa: What are you doing?

Chas: Look what I found!

John: A pan of brownies?

Chas: Free brownies!! This is awesome!

Marissa: Ooooh! Gimme one!!

John: Don't eat them, you just found them on the ground!

Chas: Don't argue with destiny John. I was meant to find these brownies and take them home to be smothered in whipped cream.

Marissa: Oooooooooooh yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaah... **drools**

* * *

Everyone: **is at home**

John: You're actually eating those?

Chas: Yup **takes a bite** Try one!

John: Um... I'd rather not.

Marissa: **mouth full of brownie** They're good!

John: No.

Chas: Marissa! Make him eat one!

Marissa: **writes in note**

John: No! **can't control his arm** NO NO!! **arm shoves brownie in his mouth** Mmmm... These are good.

SEVERAL MINUTES LATER

On TV: Spongebob Squarepants

Everyone: OMFGHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAXDXDXDHEEEEHAHAHAHA!! **laughing like maniacs**

Chas: Oh my god, hahaha! He's a sponge that talks!!

Everyone: **cracks up**

John: I love spongebob so much, I love hahahaha! I love him! I love him! I love, I love I love you Chas. You're like... I love... HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Chas: I love you too John heeheeeeeheee, I wanna have sex with you, like, all the time HAHAHAHAHAAHAHA XDXDXD!!

John: I like, love you so much man. I like, love you man! I love you!

Marissa: OH MY GOD!! I GOT IT!!

Chas: What?

Marissa: You know how they say don't put forks in the toaster?

John: Who says that?

Marissa: THEY!

Chas: Who's they?

Marissa: Uh... I don't remember HAHAHAHAHA. WAIT WAIT! But, they tell you not to put forks in the toaster cause you get shocked and then you turn into a WERETOASTER!!

John & Chas: HAHAHAHAHAHAXDXDXDXDXDAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!

Marissa: Seriously! During the day, you're just a dude, but then on a full moon you turn into a GIANT TOASTER AND YOU BREAK INTO PEOPLE'S HOUSES AND TOAST THEIR POP-TARTS!!

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

Chas: Oh, pop-tarts? I want one! I'm hungry! We ate all the brownies! They were soooooooooooooooooooo good...

John: That's like, the smartest thing I've ever heard EVER! Like, FOREVER!! I love it! I love this cat! I love the cat! **pets Johnny** I totally love this cat, like, so much. I love him, he's the best cat, like... ever!

Chas: You, John you, you know you're, something's different. You're like, relaxed. I like you relaxed, see I told you when we were waking back from the place, that place. Uh... the exor place exor, exor...

John: Damn! I've got an exorcism in like, what time is it?

Marissa: Uh, hahaha, uh... like, uh, 3!

John: I have to soon, go to the, the place! Uh... where is it?

Chas: I know! I'll get us there, we'll be there faster than a rabbit that fell off a...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA... than a rabbit that... fast!

* * *

Everyone: **after nearly avoiding several car accidents the Mary Jane crew make it to the exorcism**

John: HAHAAHAHAHAHAAA!! Oh my god!! Look at it!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!! **refering to possesed child strapped to the bed**

Chas: He's like, turning into a were toaster!!

Everyone: AAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAOMGWTFBBQ!!

Marissa: Dude, like, throw pop-tarts at him! Then he'll like, go away! HAHAHAHA!!

John: Oh my god! HAHAHAHA!! **to worried mother of possessed child** Do you, like, have any pop-tarts?

Mother: What? Yes? What do you need pop-tarts?

John: We need it cause, uh, there's a weretoaster in there!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Mother: **weirded out** Ok... **brings pop-tarts**

John: Oh my god, this is like, the best thing ever! Thank you soooooo much! I, like, love you so much! **hugs mother**

Mother: 0o

John: I got the pop-tarts!!

Marissa: Throw them at it!! It'll, like HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!! Um, do, something!

Chas: Put a cross on it! It'll like, be uh... kill it?

John: Yeah! That's like, the best idea ever! I love pop-tarts so much! HAHAHA!!

Chas: Here, lemme see, **carves a cross on the back of the pop-tart** HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!! NOW IT'S UH, INDESTRUCTABLE!!

John: Oh my god yes! **walks over to possessed child** This is the best thing EVER! And now HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, you, I love you and now you won't be a weretoaster. **shoves pop-tart in the kid's mouth**

Demon: **is actually somehow deported by the cross on the pop-tart**

Chas: Oh man! We did it! We saved the pop-tarts!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

Marissa: **mouth full of pop-tarts** Woooooooooooooo!! I love this!!1

Mother: You saved him! Oh lord, thank you so much!

John: No, thank you! Because I love you! You're like, awesome, or something.

Mother: Thank you, you can leave now.

* * *

Everyone: **got back to the apartment in one piece somehow**

Chas: John, you ate the brownies that I ate. So it's like, we have the same thing inside of us. We're like, connected ya know? Like, our souls.

John: I totally get it man. That is so deep. I fucking love you man! I fucking love you so much! I just, you I love you.

Chas: I love you too man! But, she, uh, Marissa, the note she made us love each other.

John: No! The note is like, stupid. I love YOU man, and it's cause you're awesome! You like, read and stuff all the time. That's like, awesome.

Marissa: **mouth full of oreos** I should make you guys, like, do something crazy HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!! Like, make you go outside and have sex like, on the cab!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

John & Chas: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh my god, do it!!

Marissa: Ok, um **Writes in note** "Um, John and Chas totally go and have, lol, sex on the cab!"

John & Chas: **Run outside**

John: **Pushes Chas up against the side of the cab and starts kissing his neck and sliding his hands up Chas' shirt.**

Chas: **moans and grinds against John**

Marissa: **watches out the window** HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHAAXD!!

John: **Pulls off Chas' shirt and takes off his own.**

Random people driving by: **are beeping angrily**

Cop Car: **drives up**

Cop: Hey you two! Take it inside!

John & Chas: **don't notice and are both entirely nude.**

Marissa: **drowning in oreos** HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHXDXDXD!! OH MAN! **writes in note**

Cop: I could have you arrested for indecent exposure! Get off of the street right- **turns into a bag of Doritos**

Marissa: **runs outside** AHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! OH MY GAWD!! HAHAHAHAHAHXDXDXDOMGWTFBBQ!! **eats police man Doritos**

Chas: John! **moans** Harder! HARDER!

Marissa: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAXDXDXD **falls on the ground** HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAPFFFTHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHGAAHAHAH!!

* * *

Everyone: **wakes up nude in a river of Doritos, Fritos, Cheetos, Funions, Oreos and Chips Ahoy! Cookies.**

John: What the fuck?

Chas: What happened?

Marissa: **Reading Note** Oh man! I made you guys have sex outside on the cab! HAHA!!

John: Oh fuck, I think you're right. Where's my fucking pants?

Chas: My ass is so sore... I think there might be a Cheeto in it.

Marissa: Hahaha! What was in those brownies and where can we get more?

John: NO! Never again!

* * *

To be Continued... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!


	4. MY FATHER NEVER LOVED ME!

EPISODE 4

Marissa: **writes in fanfiction note** "TV turns to channel 59."

Chas: You know, the remote is on the table next to you. **consumes some licorice**

Marissa: **glances at remote** Meh... **changes channel via note**

John: Lazy ass. **smoking cigarette and drinking whiskey**

Chas: John, do you HAVE to smoke all the time. It'll give you lung cancer or something. **mmmmmm... licorice**

John: What about you? You'll get diabetes eating all that licorice. **takes a drag**

Marissa: You'll both die of your addictions the end. Now shut up, Good Eats is on. **turns up TV volume with note **

Chas: Us, addicted? You probably can't function without that damn notebook to cater to your every whim. **licorice tastes like JESUS**

Marissa: **writes**

Chas: **suddenly has entire bag of licorice in his mouth**

Marissa: **tee hee**

Chas: **cough cough hack** See! **Coughing up licorice **You abuse that thing! I bet you couldn't go a day without using the note!

Marissa: I could too! You're the one that couldn't survive without your precious licorice.

Chas: Alright then, I bet you that I could go longer without licorice than you could without your notebook.

Marissa: Loser has to run naked down the street screaming "MY FATHER NEVER LOVED ME!!"

John: 0.o **takes a drag and a drink**

Chas: **breathes smoke** **cough cough** John, you have to do it too! You have to go without cigarettes or alcohol!

John: Fuck that. **takes a drag and a shot**

Marissa: **writes** "Marissa, John and Chas all have to give up their addictions. First one to cave in must run down the street naked screaming "MY FATHER NEVER LOVED ME!!"

John: Damn... **puts out cigarette**

Marissa: Ok. As of right now, the bet is on!

Everyone: **sits quietly**

Jeopardy Music: **plays**

Chas: Sooooo... What do we do now?

Marissa: I don't know. The only things you guys seem to do in fanfics in your spare time is drink, smoke and eat licorice.

John: Wow...

Chas: That sucks! I will not be defined by the few clips of me in the Constantine movie!

Marissa: Especially since in the movie you died.

Chas: LET'S GET SOME CHINESE FOOD! **fanon weasels its way in**

* * *

Chas: Give me 2 General Tso's chicken combos and a pint of Sweet and Sour Chicken. Ooh! Gimme 30 fortune cookies with that! **are Chinese food dishes proper nouns?**

Marissa: 30 cookies?

Chas: Hmm... You're right. Make that 50 fortune cookies, to go!

John: **sigh**

* * *

Marissa: Fortune cookies won't fulfill the emptiness that licorice has left in your heart Chas.

Chas: I have no idea what you're talking about! I just really like fortune cookies is all! **eating cookies 6 at a time**

Marissa: One of these cookies better have tonights lottery numbers in it.

Chas: Yeah, too bad you can't use your note to win the lottery.

Marissa: Hmph. Fine. I don't need money anyway. **twitch**

John: **eating calmly**

* * *

Marissa: CHAS! THE FORTUNES ARE NOT EDIBLE!

Chas: **buried in fortunes from consumed cookies** NEEEEEED!!

John: 0.o

Marissa: Hmm... Maybe we ought to do something cause this is getting a little boring and Chas is getting a lot creepy.

Chas: **drools**

* * *

Bowling: **Is not as fun without music and strobe lights**

Marissa: You live above a bowling alley and yet you never actually come down here and bowl. You can even bowl for free because of Beeman! We should start a bowling team and have matching uniforms!!

John: ... no...

Chas: **Is trying to eat bowling ball** IT'S NOT THE SAME!!

Marissa: **eats licorice obnoxiously** Too bad for you! **Bowls**

Ball: **Completely misses pins**

Marissa: DAMN!! WHAT KIND OF MANIAC THOUGHT UP THIS GAME!! **is just mad cause she sucks**

Chas: Well, maybe you should give yourself awesome bowling skills with the Fanfic Note HMMMMMMMMMMMMM?

Marissa: I hate you.

* * *

Narrator that sounds suspiciously like Stephen Colbert: The addiction withdrawal trio find themselves at the zoo where fun and merriment run wild with the animals.

Marissa: WAS THAT STEPHEN COLBERT!? **drools**

Chas: Hey! This fanfic is about your obsession with CONSTANTINE.

Marissa: Sorry, it's hard to keep my obsessions in line.

Chas: Clearly. **comes up with a shady idea** Although, you could use the Note to, I don't know, bring Stephen Colbert here with us. **evil laugh**

Marissa: **imagines** Chas, Constantine, Stephen Colbert, John Stewart, Wolverine, Nightcrawler, Xavier, Magneto, The Joker, Batman, Sora, Riku, Axel, Roxas, Light, L, Mello, Matt, Tamaki, Kyouya, Hunny, Mori, Haruhi, Karou and Hikaru ALL HERE WITH ME !? **passes out**

Chas: 0.0

Marissa: That's not even half of the people I'm obsessed with. BUT I WILL NOT GIVE IN TO TEMPTATION!! I can always bring them into the fanfic after the bet.

Chas: 0.0

John: **is smashing a penny in one of those smashed penny machines**

* * *

Marissa: It's soooooooooo hot... I'm sooooooooo tired... Chas, bring me a segway to ride on.

Segways: **are the shit**

Chas: Why don't you use your Note to get one.

Marissa: Because I can't wait to see your bare ass running down the street screaming.

Chas: I do have a nice ass, don't I?

Marissa: Yeah.

John: **totally isn't thinking about Chas' ass. Really! What? Don't believe him? I don't either actually**

* * *

Marissa: Chaaaaaas! Gimme the remote!!

Chas: Why should I?

Marissa: The Colbert Report is on in five minutes!! I REFUSE to miss it!

Chas: Come here and get the remote! **puts remote on table across the room**

Marissa: I can't get all the way over there and back in time!!

Chas: You could always use the Note.

Marissa: When I get over there I'm going to shove licorice so far up your ass it'll come out your mouth, and then you'll lose the bet.

Chas: **wouldn't mind if John stuck licorice up his ass** NO!! BAD THOUGHTS!!

Marissa: What?

Chas: Nothing... Now are you gonna get the remote or not?

Marissa: **gets up from chair like an old crippled person** I will prevail!!

Setting the mood: **Eye of the Tiger starts playing**

Marissa: **falls on the ground and crawls toward remote**

Chas: **singing** IT'S THE EYE OF THE TIGER IT'S THE THRILL OF THE FIGHT, RISING UP TO THE CHALLENGE OF OUR RIVALS!

Marissa: **still crawling**

Chas: AND THE LAST KNOWN SURVIVOR STALKS HIS PREY IN THE NIGHT

John: **discreetly mouths the words cause he likes this song**

Marissa: **coughing violently, but still pressing on**

Chas: AS HE'S WATCHING US ALL WITH THE EEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Marissa: **Reaching for remote in slow motion**

Chas: YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEE OF THE TIGER!!

Marissa: **grabs remote victoriously** YEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSS!!

Chas: I should go on American Idol!

Marissa: **runs back to seat, turns on the Colbert Report and squeals like a good little fangirl**

Stephen Colbert: RAAAAAAAIIIIIINNNN!! **shakes fist**

* * *

The Next Morning: **is now**

Chas: **looks like crap** No... sleep... need... eat... licorice...

Marissa: **looks like crap also** I can't do my hair and makeup without my note...

John: **looks like he always does, which is like crap, but it's normal, so no one really pays any mind**

Marissa: Well, let's have some breakfast! **pulls out bag of licorice**

Chas: What are you doing?

Marissa: **eats hand full of licorice in an overjoyed manner**

Chas: You. Are. A. Monster. **single tear**

Marissa: What? You want some Chas? **waves licorice in his face**

Chas: No, but good luck watching TV without the remote! **throws remote out window**

Marissa: **horrified** NO!! NO!! ACE OF CAKES IS ON TONIGHT!! I'LL HAVE TO WALK ALL THE WAY TO THE TV AND TURN IT ON MANUALLY!! NO!!

John: **Drinking milk from the carton. Ignoring everyone else**

Chas: Well, just use your note to turn on the TV. Go ahead. Do it. **holds out note**

Marissa: **holds out licorice** Why don't you have some licorice to calm your nerves. Come one. Do it!

Chas: Do it!

Marissa: Do it!

Chas: DO IT!!

Marissa: DO IT!!

Chas: GIVE IN DAMMIT!!

Marissa: COME ON!! YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT IT!!

John: GOD DAMMIT!! **smashes open a whiskey bottle and chugs it.**

Marissa and Chas: 0.0

John: **lights 5 cigarettes at the same time and takes a looooooooong drag**

Marissa and Chas: 0.0

John: Ooooooooooooooh yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaah...

Marissa: I think we might need to hold an intervention...

Chas: He lost! HE LOST!!

Marissa: Oh man! This is gonna be good!

John: Dammit... **strips naked and runs outside**

Marissa and Chas: **Watch from the window**

John: MY FATHER NEVER LOVED ME!! MY FATHER NEVER LOVED MEEEEEEEEE!! **running naked **

Marissa: I CAN USE THE NOTE NOW!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!! **Writes frantically**

Stephen Colbert, John Stewart, Wolverine, Nightcrawler, Xavier, Magneto, The Joker, Batman, Sora, Riku, Axel, Roxas, Light, L, Mello, Matt, Tamaki, Kyouya, Hunny, Mori, Haruhi, Karou and Hikaru: **suddenly appear**

Marissa: Ooooooooh yeeeeeeeeaaaaah **drools** Now everyone has to give me five bucks!!

* * *

To Be Continued...


	5. The Author Steps Into ART!

CHAPTER 5

This chapter is very special. Do you know why? Of course not silly, I haven't told you yet. This chapter was written on a mystical typewriter from mount Olympus and then dropped into the volcano that everyone makes for their elementary school science projects. Then it was blessed by a Mormon who had knocked on my door and was trying to force feed me pamphlets. Then it was dropped down my garbage disposal where it rose up from the ashes like a glorious phoenix and became A COMIC! Yes, I drawed it. Just delete the spaces between the periods and the words in the links and enjoy! Let's hope these links aren't crazazy for some reason. If you're having issues with them feel free to drop me a message.

Page 1

auragoth . deviantart . com /art/The-Author-Steps-Into-Art-pg1-102858796

Page 2

auragoth . deviantart . com /art/The-Author-Steps-Into-Art-pg2-102859467

Page 3

auragoth . deviantart . com /art/The-Author-Steps-Into-Art-pg-3-102859714

Enjoy!


End file.
